My daughter and I were eating breakfast at Mimi’s. (We love those pumpkin pancakes!) A group of about 10 women walked past our table, all carrying Christmas gift bags. They were in their late 50s, I would say. Good friends, a tight clan, about to share a Christmas moment together over lattes and pumpkin pancakes. What struck me was not how quaint the gathering seemed, but the fact that EVERY ONE of those women had a Christmas sweater on. Like the Red Hat Society, only warmer. I saw a parade of puffed snowmen and red Santas with jingle bells, and one woman had a sweater with fuzzy brown antlers so big, it looked like they were growing out of her chin. I turned to my daughter and said, “I beg of you, no matter how old I get, don’t you EVER let me buy or wear a Christmas sweater! And if you ever buy me a Christmas sweater, give me the gift receipt because I’ll be taking it back the next day.”

Ladies, I know it’s fun to wear these seasonal sweaters once a year, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING says “I am old and frumpy and have given up on ever having sex again” more than a Christmas sweater. So WHAT if you got a good deal at JC Penney’s? Leave them there, on a hangar, for the Christmas moths to eat, and go buy yourself a sexy, red-satin bra from Victoria’s Secret, instead.

You’ll thank me later.